Sunday, 22 September 2013

New Beginnings

I've been waiting for a while to blog, because I wanted everything in life to be tied up neatly in a little bow. I wanted life to be like a story, with a happy ending, or a solid chapter break.

But life doesn't work like that, and one event bleeds into the next, with ties and things linking into your past, present and future. I like it that way, with themes and connections, keeping you anchored.

I have now finished my face to face counselling at Nottingham Rape Crisis Centre. I feel positive about that, in a strange way, like it's time to have an adventure on my own, or something. I'm sort of curious about how I'm going to cope. I still have support networks, but it's different. I have to get used to life without D.

Our last session was great. I gave her a Girlguiding Thanks badge, to acknowledge her impact on Guiding, along with a card signed by the unit and many others in the organisation. She was incredibly moved by it. I introduced her to my camp blanket and showed her all the wonderful memories and bits that make up me. Then we made badges for it, mine showing the tree I made for her early on in our relationship, and hers showing a jigsaw piece. This was both a gentle dig and a reminder - just after I made the tree, she tried to get me to complete a jigsaw of all the feelings that made up me. I never finished. So this badge represents that, and the fact that D is now a part of me forever. It also had a symbol for "hug" on there... It was brilliant. I gave her the gift that I made over summer, and she gave me a beautiful doll that she had made just for me, that she called Henrietta. I was completely blown away and it is probably the single most touching thing anyone's done for me.

But it's not a neat ending. There are things still happening, and part of our journey that still needs closure. I don't know whether I will have that in days, weeks or months, but it's not quite over yet. There is one more thing to slot into place, the same thing that I've been waiting to share here, and still can't.

I have a feeling it will never completely be over, though. Two weeks ago, we bumped into each other in her town, when I was on a date. This week, we ran into each other in the supermarket car park... Intuition tells me that fate will throw us together when we need that little reminder.

And just like life, this post doesn't really have a neat ending or a happily ever after. It is what it is; a short update to tell you about the not-quite-ending and not-quite-beginning. And, for anyone wondering, I did finally renew my Promise and promise to be true to myself! I did it in my way, with my person, in my time.

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