In This Place

In this place,
I feel the ghosts of my past
flickering in and out of existence.
I feel what was and what could have been
drowning out the present, colliding.

In this place,
I can  see my journey around me;
the panic ridden start and the call to action.
I see the women whose lives I touched
and the ones I never will.

In this place,
the emotions clamour to be heard;
wanting acknowledgement
and yet now - just as months ago -
I feel myself holding back the tide.

In this place,
I witness the growth;
the blossoming of awareness and my relationship with myself.
I witness the areas of need
and hold myself accountable to self-care.

In this place,
I promise myself truth -
just as I did back then.
I promise myself love and patience,
to allow myself to grieve.

This was written as part of Nottingham Women's Centre's "Writing For Healing" session, which I stumbled upon. It will be performed at their Silence The Violence event later in March.

News Headlines

This article was written as part of the Special Contributions Team for the EVB Campaign. For more information, please visit their website.

Every day, we are faced with a myriad of victim-blaming stories. A brief visit to three of the major news outlets uncovered no fewer than twelve inappropriate headlines or by-lines. From placing emphasis on a victim’s alcohol consumption to casting their abuse into doubt through misplaced quotation marks, each tells a stark tale of the media’s attitude towards those experiencing violence.

“Ethopian teenager who says she was raped by seven men…”

“155% rise in children groomed by sex gangs.”

“A beautician was left scarred for life after a fellow clubber glassed her when she refused to dance with him, it is claimed…”

“The woman was attacked while drunk…”

“Left demands answers from senior Labour trio over links to child sex group”

“Drama teacher charged with having sex with schoolboy she met while directing production of hit musical”

Though the last refers to the female abuse of a male, it is still an important example of how sub-editors choose to represent the sexual assault and violence towards children, young people and minors who are legally unable to consent to sexual activity.

In fact, victim blaming happens so often in today’s media that many people are increasingly immune to it. In creating a hierarchy of “worst examples”, are the ones at the top of the list those that shock, or the ones so subtle that they infiltrate the public consciousness at an unnoticed level? In fact, is it healthy to create a hierarchy at all, or should we challenge each and every instance?

Every single article, headline or comment that involves victim blaming is important. Each and every instance damages confidence in society, encourages self-doubt and self-blame. Each case reinforces society’s belief that male perpetrators and their reputations should be protected. There is a tendency to assume “innocent until proven guilty” which neglects to respect the needs of the victim.

In a society where over 90% of sexual assaults are thought to go unreported, it is imperative that women are believed and treated with the dignity that they deserve, so that they feel valued as members of the community and so that they have the confidence to work with authorities in the knowledge that they will be supported if or when they feel that they want to take further action.

Why does so much victim blaming exist in the media, particularly with regard to sexual assault and court cases? It is largely, as we know, both a symptom and cause of the gender inequality that exists, and created by the personal contexts of the journalists and editors. But more than that, the culture of legal action in which we live, where the press is held accountable for every comment and by-line printed about public figures, it is understandable that they would be wary about false accusations and anything that could cost the company. Unfortunately – and wrongly, of course – many editors find it far easier to side with the well-known personality, than to go with an anonymous member of the public who has little method of recourse.

However, there are ways to avoid litigation without blaming the victims of abuse and without holding them accountable for their own experience. There is language that can be used to report cries and allegations that allow women to retain confidence in the system.

Many instances of victim-blaming in recent headlines have been linked to three areas. But it is essential that sub-editors and journalists are not just challenged, but offered alternatives.

Firstly, all reports concerning children and minors who have been victims need to be referred to as instances of rape or sexual abuse. It is not sex, they are not having relationships with their abusers. If a young person is under the age of consent, then they cannot consent. Lack of consent is called rape.

If a person is in a position of responsibility, they are the ones who should ensure that any infatuation, signs of sexualised behaviour towards them (which can in itself be a warning sign of other abuse) or other unusual activity is referred up the chain, to the designated child protection officer. All persons working with young people receive extensive safeguarding training, from those involved in youth organisations such as Girlguiding or The Scout Association, to those working in schools. People in positions of care must not be mitigated by apparent flirtation – they are the abusers when acting in these cases, not the young person.

In cases purporting to allegations of sexual assault, it is imperative that the language used validates the information given by the victim whilst maintaining the legal boundaries. For example, terms such as ‘claims’, in addition to quantifiers such as ‘apparent’ and various quotation marks that lay doubt on the case should be replaced by neutral terms such as reports, allegations and – most preferably in a legal situation – charges. It is too easy for a journalist’s need for synonyms to open up connotations about the plausibility of the case.

Thirdly, a better understanding of this country’s legal system needs to be conveyed in writing. Not guilty does not mean innocent. A perpetrator can only be convicted if the crime can be proven beyond reasonable doubt which, in cases where the crimes may have been twenty or thirty years in the past, can be extremely difficult. Even more so when the people to be convinced are a jury made up of those exposed to victim-blaming on a daily basis.

Inconclusive evidence does not make someone innocent, and it certainly doesn’t make their allegations a “flight of fancy”, as they have been referred to in some parts of the media. Not guilty simply means that the jury wasn’t absolutely, 100% certain of the crime.

Subeditors need to be cautious when using the word innocent, or commenting on the victims in these cases of male violence against women. They must be accurate – speak of guilty or not guilty, or even not proven, but the word innocent is not an alternative for this, nor is the assumption that the victims in these cases have been “inventing” the trauma that they have experienced.

Headlines and by-lines needn’t be less “sensational”. They needn’t abandon the principles of snappy sound-bites and high sales. They needn’t be wordier nor must they risk legal action for reporting unsubstantiated or unproven claims. But editors, sub-editors and journalists must respect the basic human rights and dignity of victims and adopt a stance of neutrality that ensures those experiencing abuse feel supported rather than distrusted.

[This piece was written prior to the media reports about a 14yo child charged with rape of his mother and so the associated headlines are not included in this analysis.]

The Right Victim

“I know it wasn’t my fault,” I told my counsellor last summer. “It was his; he was the one who did it… At least it was only me he got.”

This was my reaction to being raped a second time. At least it was only me.

I couldn’t quite understand why she was so upset by this, not at the time. After all, surely it was better that I was the victim than someone else? I was already damaged goods, I’d already been through it once before, and I was getting the right support so didn’t have to experience the ordeal of finding it again. If he was going to attack someone – and statistics would imply that it was premeditated to some degree – then I was grateful it was me and not another woman.

I thought that I was being rational and mature about a terrible situation, that my presence that evening had somehow saved this nameless, faceless victim. To some extent, a lot of women do this, try to put a positive spin on it. I know I’m not alone, and protective strategies such as this have their place. We need ways to carry on.

But as time went on, I started to realise something awful. Because by assuming that responsibility, or accepting myself as the “right person”, I was becoming complicit in the victim-blaming culture that had developed around me.

No, I wasn’t suggesting it was my fault because I had been alone in the sauna, or that I had made myself vulnerable in the clothing that I had worn. However, by adopting a position as the “best” target, I had created a hierarchy of merit.

No-one deserves to be raped. No-one is asking for it or putting themselves in the wrong position or to blame in any way. It is only ever the perpetrator’s fault. End of.

A single woman shouldn’t feel “grateful for the attention”, nor should anyone feel that it’s “harmless fun”, and someone who has been there before shouldn’t feel any less important or any more deserving because of their past.

The End Victim Blaming Campaign asks us to think about our own frame of reference, how we respond to stories and why we respond in that way. Sometimes it’s also useful to think about how we would respond if it was another person reacting that way too, allowing us some perspective and a chance to review without feeling that the self-care is self-ish.

I know that if a friend or colleague told me that they were relieved it was them, that they didn’t matter and they weren’t important because they were damaged, I would be appalled. Because we all matter; we are all worthy of love, care and respect.

As a teacher, I’ve worked alongside children who have been victims and witnesses of male violence against women and children. It never fails to shock me how many so-called professionals will say, “At least it’s only ----‘s family, it’s not like they had much promise anyway.” No. Just no.

You see, there are even further reaching implications than hierarchies compounding victim-blaming. The idea that some people are more deserving of assault than others is in direct opposition to equality. If we believe in equal rights for any group, we need to believe in equality for all. How can I support feminism and the idea that all humans are equal if I don’t consider that child to be just as deserving of safety and love as every other child in my school? How can I support equal rights for all people if I won’t even afford myself the same dignity as I afford others?

Challenging others starts with challenging ourselves. How do we respond to others and how do we respond to our own situations? Do we allow ourselves healing time? Do we allow ourselves to care? Because believing in our own rights and equality, believing in our own right to safety and compassion, is an important step in challenging the hierarchy and victim-blaming culture.

There is no “right victim”, not even me.

The Right Victim was written as a submission for EVB Campaign's website, which they are posting on 20th February 2014.

Stay Safe

I was quite happily drunk texting my boss and browsing Facebook, when I stumbled upon one of those posts that made me simultaneously rub my hands in glee and groan internally.

The post was a link to the Nottinghamshire Police website, about three women who had been "assaulted". My contact had written underneath it, "stay safe". A chance to open a dialogue on language, victim-blaming, responsibility and so much more... fantastic! Another article telling us women to behave nicely and be good little girls...? Not so much.

So we started talking. Talking about why it's important to remember that the male perpetrators of violence are at fault, why women shouldn't be told to stay sober, stay in herds, stay properly dressed... Talking about how society has conditioned us into these subconscious implications that women are to blame for the violence against them.

Then I read the article.

Instantly, I was horrified. Actually, I think I've been trained to be horrified by anything written by Nottinghamshire Police - they don't have the best record with male violence towards women (Christmas campaign, anyone?). And after yesterday's ridiculous Question Time with George Galloway (who seems oblivious to the technicalities of the legal system), I was already on high alert.

Walk in well-lit areas. Keep handbags buckled. Walk with other people. The article barely stopped short of warning against short skirts and red wine.

It was pointed out to me that all the advice offered was gender-neutral, important safety advice for all people. Yet it was handbags prioritised, not rucksacks. And when was the last time that men were advised not to walk alone? I don't accept this idea that it was aimed at everyone - far more likely that we've been conditioned to roll over. But that could be the drink talking.

Yes, there is some advice that is basic crime prevention - keep valuables out of sight and be aware of your surroundings. But we do need to consider the message being spread, particularly when the police are asking for women to share the message to "stay safe".

What are your views on safety messages?

New Year, New Job

So I've been quiet recently. Really quiet. It's been a difficult few months between the rollercoaster events of last summer, the decision to take a break from unit Guiding and many other things. I fully intended to blog more this new year, but every year brings fresh challenges and 2014's is in the shape of a new job.

I'm now the proud teacher of a Year 3 class. For those in the know, Year 3 is for children aged 7-8 and is the third year (obviously) of compulsory education here in the UK. It's a bit of a culture shock for me, being secondary trained. I have had primary experience before, but mainly with years 4-6, not year 3.

Not only have I already had to deal with planning for so many different subjects, get to know twenty four new people, but I've had to deal with an exclusion, several internal exclusions, interventions, provision maps and all sorts of weird and wonderful things that I've not had to sort before. I've written a scheme of work for gymnastics (yes, me!), set up a languages club that has got TWENTY TWO participants... and that's only from the lower school! It's an eye-opener.

My class is brilliant. I'd say that I've got a couple of characters, but they all are... in their own way. I have the little girl who never speaks (except to crack the most amazing sarcastic joke once a week!), the boy who strangles girls in the playground, the girl whose prized possession is a rock her uncle gave her as a gift... she's been told it's a dinosaur egg! I've got a boy who never speaks, smiles and often refuses to come into the classroom who came up to me this morning, sat down and asked me if he could do show and tell, and I've got a little boy who greets me every day with a hug, holds my hand and tells me that I belong to class one and they all love me.

Each and every child in my class is different, and I love getting to know them little by little. But I also love the little reflections of myself that I see in them and their behaviour. Not because they've picked it up from me (they've not had me long enough for that) but because their reactions challenge me and my own. 

Last week, I had one child really unsettled on the carpet. This particular child sits with his back to the door and is constantly glancing behind him at the door. Knowing my own discomfort at sitting with my back to a door, I moved him where he could see it, and now he sits there with absolutely no problem.

This morning, we did an activity where each person had a sheet of paper and it was passed round the circle so everyone could write something nice about them (they had to write something positive about themselves too!). Once people got their own paper back, we discussed how it made them feel to read the comments. Many of them said that they were happy or proud, some even said "relieved". One told us that he felt loved. But two girls said they were embarrassed and one boy said he was uncomfortable. We explored those feelings a little later, but it made me think about my paper too. I was quick to be dismissive and say that they only wrote because they had to... but that's not what the exercise was about!

Yesterday, I had an observation. It didn't go brilliantly, mainly due to the behaviour in my lower ability group. They were excited and engaged, but a little too excited and engaged (they wouldn't listen to me once they got going!). We did spend a lesson today going over behaviour and presentation, and there was a big improvement. Understandably, I was really upset by this yesterday. Whilst I was sobbing at lunch, my TA came over, gave me a hug and told me to stop being so hard on myself and that there were great things about the lesson. Of course, I wouldn't accept it. Actually, I wouldn't even accept the praise from the head, who insisted that there was no way that observation was going to meet the criteria, really...

But the thing that made it funny was the reaction of a little girl in my class. She's a superstar and one of our gifted and talented children. But if she gets anything wrong (or not exactly perfect!), she bursts into tears. I've chatted to her about high expectations and believing in herself and all these other things... Yesterday, she looked at me and solemnly said, "Miss H, you're as bad as I am. You set yourself expectations that you can never live up to. No-one can." Out of the mouths of babes...!

I love working at this school. It's supportive, fun, challenging. The staff are all welcoming and wonderful. The head is constantly providing advice, reading material, backing me up on various decisions. I have colleagues who make me cups of tea, check I'm eating, text me in the evening and at weekends to say thanks for a great day or just to say they're thinking of me after a rough one. It's nurturing and wonderful.

And whilst noting the nurturing environment and challenging myself, the changes I'm seeing in myself are incredible too. Yes, I was terrified yesterday, but I never had a panic attack. I'm alone in the office with the (male) head on a daily basis - tonight we were the only two left in the building. I get hugs and cuddles and hand-holding constantly, whether it's from my colleagues or from my children. I still don't like it if someone gets me from behind (my TA learnt this the hard way!) but I'm taking the physical contact without panicking or even flinching.

Now we just have to get that work-life balance stuff sorted!

Raindrops on Roses...

This is a really fluffy, trivial post, really. I was out shopping with some friends today and we were talking about things we collect and pretty possessions, so I thought I'd just post a few from some of my collections - favourite things, stories, stuff.

Most people know how much I love my camp blanket (and there are plenty of pictures on here) and my instruments (no pictures). Also, I mentioned Henrietta, my beautiful rag doll from D that she gave me in our last session, but never put up a picture. D also made a badge for my camp blanket - double win! Yes, those (along with my Speak Out trophy) are probably my most prized things, but I thought I'd share some of my other bits and pieces and treasures.

Precious Things

Most of my most precious things live in one of three boxes. The My Little Pony is the San Diego Comic Con 2008 exclusive. She lives in my "geek box" and is incredibly special as some very good fandom friends paid for me to go to SDCC that year. 

The box in the second picture is my memory box, which includes a DVD of my baptism, souvenirs bought by school friends, special cards and letters, my first gifts from pupils and much more. On the top is a card from the Millennium Dome when I was a Young Leader!

The charm bracelet was a gift from Colette, the head of contingent for Roverway. We each got a passport, a hand (to help us with our work), a teddy bear (the contingent had teddy mascots), a trefoil, a key and a little button painted as a Finnish flag. Some of us got extra little things and mine was a wine glass. When all the blue paint came off my button, I replaced it with a little charm and a Moomin charm. I wear the bracelet whenever I need reassurance - I managed two weeks in Finland when scared of woodland, I can manage ANYTHING!

Henrietta... what can I say? She was handmade by the lovely D for me, and is the first thing I see when I get up each morning and the last thing before I go to bed. She's one "person" I don't ever mind giving a hug and is a little bit of D that I get to keep.

The key ring says "change your thoughts and you will change the world) and is something I bought in Belgium in 2012. The trophy was for the Speak Out competition and both remind me that I have a voice and need to use it, whatever the cost.

Props

I collect film props and have all sorts of things from the Tybalt scene from Shakespeare in Love to gloves from James Bond and Wonka bars! But the things here are some of my favourites - a plate from Titanic, prop money from Doctor Who's Runaway Bride, a programme for the art exhibition in Love Actually, a letter from Harry Potter and The Philosopher's Stone, a donation receipt from Evita, a letter from PS I Love You and some coins from Pirates of the Carribean.

Victoriana

I have a family bible that dates back to the early 1800s, but that is tucked away. This, however, was a secret Santa gift and is from the London Illustrated Times. Absolutely beautiful.

Books

 This is what we were talking about today, books. I love them and have some really random things that people might laugh at. I have Kevin J Anderson's Hellhole, for example, because he was a favourite author when I was about thirteen. I also have a couple of signed books by China Mieville (but can't find my book addressed to Dolphin Girl, which annoys me!).

Other than the Grimmerie, most of the books are self explanatory. The Grimmerie is signed by the principle original London cast, including Idina Menzel. I never got Katie Rowley Jones or Nigel Planer as they always used different exits, but one day I will!

The J K Rowling book isn't signed, but was a limited edition of The Tales of Beedle The Bard and is stunning. The book pictured below it was bought when I took the Rangers to an evening with David Almond (which they loved!).

More Treasures from the Geek Box

There are two bits of the Noble Harry Potter collection. They did some beautiful pieces and replicas. These were on sale at a time when I had very little money and were special objects for me! The Continuum premiere invite is gorgeous too, and precious for a different reason. When my friends paid for me to go to San Diego, we were lucky enough to see the premiere and it was amazing!

When I see these things here, I have split emotions. Each item has a wealth of memories and stories, which I haven't necessarily gone into detail about, but seeing the things listed makes me feel a bit guilty and materialistic. Other than a recent splurge on two new books, most of my collection is several years old. I stopped collecting pretty things so that I could go to Finland and Belgium, do things for charity and make sure I had a car. And as much as I feel I should give up these things and store my treasure in the things that really matter, the memories are just as precious as the items themselves!

Add Your Voice

Today feels like a sort of birthday for me. The international day for the elimination of violence against women. It featured quite heavily in my life in 2012.

A year ago, I attended the WAGGGS Europe Stop The Violence seminar. At the time, I was doing it because I wanted to learn how to facilitate learning in my unit roles, and because the girls themselves had asked me to take part. I never for a moment thought that we'd be challenged to speak out and take real, practical action, and couldn't imagine a situation where I'd feel comfortable being part of a movement acting for change.

One of the things that I've realised over the past year is that I'm not alone in that feeling. The situation for women worldwide is so horrific, so incredibly dire and overwhelming, that it feels like we're tiny drops in an ocean. How can one woman make any impact? But we can. We must.

Not everyone has to try and infiltrate News International (a la Yas Necarti) or lead a campaign. But every one of us has skills and talents that we can share and use to support our sisters, both locally and around the world.

Do what you know: You could retweet articles or statistics from the many inspiring women on Twitter, reply to them, engage in conversation and add your voice. You could do a sponsored event to raise money for a local (or international) women's charity. Attend women's groups, get involved in the community and meet others. I was going to say "start small", but it's not small - it's amazing.

Advocating for women's rights doesn't mean being on an international stage, necessarily, but being able to take action. Local campaigns often have a bigger "real-world" impact than some of the national ones that get lost. How about poster campaigns in schools or in the workplace, a flash-mob or getting a load of colleagues to volunteer at your local women's centre for a day or two?

Getting the media involved doesn't have to be scary either. Run an event and send them the details. Local press love to hear about local people. And with so many different forms of media these days, including the power of social media, getting word out there is easier than ever.

Every action has an impact. Every action reaches and touches someone else. Every action is important and worthwhile.

A year on, and I'm more determined than ever to fight. Speaking out against violence is tough, it's not easy to do and even less easy for people to hear. I've learnt that some will turn away or try to silence you, but I've learnt that it's worth it.

I've heard from other women who have been raped, who have been so grateful that they are not alone. I've heard from women who have self-harmed, who feel like there is sisterhood out there. I've heard from women who didn't know the reality facing their peers, and from women who felt like they've lost everything. Each and every one of these women has reminded me why I do this, even when it's difficult and even when it feels I'm having to make sacrifices.

Sometimes it feels like I'm just one voice, one silly little girl with a blog and a Twitter account. But then I remember that you're reading this blog and that people have read my Twitter feed. And suddenly, that's another silly little girl with a blog and a Twitter account. And we're not so silly anymore. Or so little. 

I said at the start of this blog post that it felt like a sort of birthday. Admittedly, the seminar didn't start until 29th November, but there seems to be something quite special about celebrating the first anniversary of my empowerment today. Because this is where it all began, and where everything in that seminar tied back to, and this is what gave me my initial confidence and inspiration to speak out.

So in the tradition of birthdays, I think there should be gift giving. And possibly cake, but definitely gift giving. And the gift I want you to give is your voice. Find a tweet about violence against women and girls, or an article, or even make a promise, and spread the word.